Anti abandons the internet.

i'm still soaking up what my shreenk and i talked about. it was a heady one, lemme tell you.

firstly, i think my shreenk said more to me then all my previous visits combined. i like when they analyze you, it reminds me of getting my palm read.

so what she said what that because my father is such a classic case of "narssicistic personality disorder" it means that if my mother is the competent caring woman that i presented her to be... then my mother would give in, and be malible, and flexible, because otherwise the marriage was doomed (which it was anyways) and then for SEVEN LONG YEARS my mom fought it out in a bitter and drawn out divorce. and of course my father had the upperhand, business and lawyers are HIS game. but my mom somehow fought and won what she won.

but throughout all of this, there is me. THERE I AM, existing watching two wacky role models set me up for a lot of unavoidable confusion.

of course there are parts of my personality that embody my mother AND my father, but my shreen wasn't trying to measure how much of either...

she was just saying that it's safe to say, or that one could presume, that *I* have a tendency to want to put my needs aside (bury my ego) so that i can "make things run smoothely" and at the same time i battle with an equally pathological driving force that wants me to be overly needy when it's innapropiate.

thanks mom and dad!

in short, im no more or less screwed up than the rest of you goddamned nosey sonz of bitches.

BUT THEN, because we still had time left, and i was sorta blown away that my shrink talked to me for so many minutes IN A ROW... i decided to ask her what she thought of me having dinner with my dad soon.

my shrink looked puzzled and asked me, "what is that supposed to acclomplish?" and know what... that's a great fucking question, to which i had NO answer.

well... that's a lie. it MIGHT accomplish something...

she said that if i am doing to to repair things with him, and get him to behave the way i want, and to rekindle a relationship with him... im likely to set myself up for dissapointment.

this is a con man, a salesman, a person who sees things in terms of "win" and "lose".. and to my dad... it's likely that if i had dinner with him, he would see that as a victory.

my shrink sensed that me not talking to him all these years is my WEAPON that i use to punish and hurt him. and she is RIGHT. it totally serves that function to me. and i love it for that.

but that's me playing my dad's game.

i told my shrink that maybe having dinner with my dad is a way for me to DROP MY WEAPON, and forfeit his "game". sure he will feel like he won, but who cares anymore. let him "win" pshhh whatever.

he can sit there and gloat in his head, "hah! they need me, they needed me this whole time, I KNEW IT!!!" but the truth is we dont need him, and we dont care if he thinks we do.

in fact if that maakes him happy to believe that we need him... then i HOPE he think we do.

im not saying i WILL ever have dinner with my dad... and even if i DID i sure as hell wouldn't have dinner with him for ANOTHER THREE YEARS. but in a large way it's like my dad is pandora's box... and let's just leave that shit closed and locked up tight, shall we?