Anti abandons the internet.

i'll admit it finally because it makes it fel like i dont care, it makes it seem like its something i can conquer, whether i believe it or not. i am a fucking FAKER, trying to win a game that im the only one playing. and there has to be a loser in every game, just ask yourself how many times you sat down with a real deck of cards, and won solitaire without cheating. if you're playing solitaire you're a loser and you know it, anyways.

bettering yourself isn't like getting a diploma from a trade school. it's not like a tattoo that just sticks wit'cha no matter what.

bettering yourself is a lifestyle, and a constant, just like keeping your room clean.

you dont just clean it up once a month, you keep that shit clean on a DAILY, otherwise you end up like me, a total sloth affraid to go near the dirty laundry ass-smelling section of the apartment. btw, my place aint even that big.

i talk a lot about how you should go to sleep with a smile on your face, proud of who you are and the life your lead.

i can't say i felt that way too much lately. i can safely say i lay in bed, and stare at the cigarette cherry... wondering... worrying... becuase im stuck and i need to learn a new way out. my old ways are failing me. big tanky helped point this out to me today.

the facade isn't always the answer, perhaps?

it's scary because my name's John, not anti or whatever the fuck i call myself in this weird blog-cult im a part of. and sometimes because im either so high or so vain, or WHATEVER.

anti is cool, cocky, and has tight game. anti knows his shit, and comes off like some kind of great guy.

well, hi... meet john, Im John. and im not really very cool. socially im shy, quiet and a scared mouse. and yes im a great guy... but the "anti" you read isn't the John that exists on a daily. it's only the me i wish i was. it's the me i only SOMETIMES am. as insane as that sounds. it's the honest to god, and im admitting it now. anyone who ever called bullshit on this blog, and called me out as a phoney. you got me. you OWN me. yer right, i was lying this whole time, and this blog is not so good for my constitution sometimes. sometimes it's the curse that i can't get rid of... like my addiction to the cigarettes that are killing me.

i think i want anti to end. the whole thing... but i dont know how to stop yet... my OCD psycho self has tried to quit his blog before, im bad at quitting...

at least bad at quitting things that are potentially to my detriment.