Anti abandons the internet.

i like that feeling i get waiting for the blogger compose page to load and knowing i haven't a profound thought in the world! YAY!

pointless blogging, my favorite kind, and really, tell me the point to anything i have ever said

and if you have an answer imma high five you the bullshit award, because son... You're a master.

i feel compelled to be propelled in my car very very far. but perhaps i can just resist and sit still long enough to freaking let my shoulder cool off. driving isn't a bursitis friendly activity.

I've resorted to chopping up my glucosamine pills and snorting it. is that some still on the mirror? RUB IT ON YOUR GUMS! har. Stolen manipulated joke from Dennis Leary.

life moves pretty fast sometimes, doesn't it? i hate to say it, because i always thought only old people said it... but you got to just stop and enjoy shit NOW. right now today. while the chance is there in front of you.

it can all be taken away so fast.

it's like going on a road trip so some shit hole town in the middle of no where. and two separate vehicles are going there.

one guy's racing there all to hell, he won't let anyone pee at any rest stops, and stubbornly, and irrationally, the guy gets them there to the shit hole town's motel, so they can be in a huge hurry to fucking do nothing.

the other car stopped at a few cool rustic looking gas stations and got directions to some cool cave thing and made it to the shit hole hours and hours later than the other guy.

the point is, getting there is supposed to be just as fun as being there, and perhaps (especially with a road trip) it's the BEST part.

but see, with life it's like that too. Here we are people trying to achieve our goals. And some of us are strictly shoulder to the grind stone 100% of the time. And some of don't have enough focus to ever make a dream a reality.

there's a fine line, and it's hard to walk it, but what *I* do is... *I TRY*

I don't accept my fate on one side of the spectrum deciding that balance was never something that was worth the effort. Because it IS worth it.

and I DO live today.

money comes and goes, and so do friends and sometimes even your family.

entering your life and then leaving it.

stop worrying about who you'll know or what you'll have or what's been lost by the time you reach the top of the mountain. By the time you've reached your goals.

we'll worry about that when we're there.

I like that I include into my decision making processes the possibility that I could be hit by a bus next week and my life taken from me. To me... It helps justify a lot of behavior and makes things seem less important in the grand scheme of things.

for instance, "should I run this red light? Well... fuck it, I could be dead by Tuesday! GO FOR IT!!!"

or, "I just got paid, should I pay rent, or double my money in a high stakes poker game?! GO FOR ITTTTT!!!!!! YESSS!!!!"

I remember this punker kid getting a tattoo on his chest in highschool that read, "live fast, die young." and I thought it was totally bad ass. But if I ever ran into him again, I'd tell him something to add to that motto. "live fast, and die young and POOR" because you can't take that stack of green paper with you when you flutter away, bye bye.

it's true.

if you're an idiot you'll think im saying you should drain your bank account because you only have a few days left to live. And that's totally ri-goddamned-diculous.

what im saying is that for me, it's not about what I have. I could give fuck all about any of this shit.

FOR ME, it's about how much fun I have. And how big the smile is when I have my eyes closed.

not to mention im a vain motherfucker who loves to look at his own reflection, it's true.

but the the thing is, I learned I have to like who's looking back at me. It was only after I figured that out that I became so vain. Prior to that seeing my own face made me cringe.

I hated it. Because I hated me. Because some-how somewhere along the lines I bought in to a personal distortion. And I believed I wasn't worthy... And LOOK AT ME NOW BAAAAY-BEE

now im a ego maniac, on the complete opposite side of the spectrum....

but still struggling to find that fine line.