Anti abandons the internet.

laughter cures what ails you sometimes, and thank god i know so many goof balls and rejects who know how to say the retarded things that end up making my fortress crack, and continue to make smiling to start!

like you know what's funny? it's funny to big tanky that i can go to new york city and put four days worth of cocaine up my nose, eat pills, and god knows what else... but when i get a little freeaked out, i refuse to take an anti-anxiety pill.

know what i forget to remember? FUCK IT. that's right, fuck... IT.

or better yet, fuck everything. it doesn't matter. and, you're GONNA BE OK.

i can sit here in my apartment focusing on things that upset me. sure i can, and it's scary to do so, because it's hard to kcik your ass out of that mkinda mood.

but i am gonna sit here, and think about all the warm cuddly thoughts today. the ones that dont shellshock me into hating myself.

dont leave me comments about how i shouldn't hate myself. i know, i KNOW. and i dont.... im trying not to. but everyone hates themself SOME of the time. it's what makes us human. ask anyone who's close to me... im far from hating myself. im very much in the narcisistic zone, i think im my biggest fan.

im going to think about the ugly painful self loathing thoughts tomorrow. mebbe. or perhaps next tuesday. but i can't put it off forever like that library book i never returned and ended up using in a bon fire. i have to deal with myself eventually, or it will come out in some ugly nervous breakdown. I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE! not to myself of course. not yet.

posted by John  # 2:42 PM