Anti abandons the internet.

I'll tell you why I never order shit from the internet, EVEN IF it's free sipping...

or EVEN IF it is cheaper online AND has free shipping.

because im an impatient asshole. That's why.

and honestly im not even impatient... It's not my fault... The fucking UPS has manufactured my need to be all a frenzy.

they give me notices, and trackers, and little smoke signals all hinting that my package is near. They give you the illusion that it's all about to happen. It's all JUST SO CLOSE.

so now im tappa tappa tapping my fucking fingers away on my desk feverishly. And no package. Not even a little yellow post it note telling me im an idiot. Nothing.

and the UPS website says all types of shit, but mostly, it says that my package left their warehouse, and went onto a truck at 5:30am. It's now 5:30 PEE EMMM, and according to big tankaroo they have until 8pm, and they'll prolly take until the last second, because residential shmucks like myself are low on the UPS totem pole.

well they can smoke my totem pole when they get here, because my patience in frazzled and im sick of their ways.

I wish they just left me alone, and didn't tell me everygodamned move they make, so that id just get stoned and forget I even had a package I was expecting and then right when I was about to pass out from lack of stimulation, I'd hear the knocka knocka on my door, and I'd be like, "who the fuck could THIS be at THIS hour?" and it would all be kool and the gang.

because i;d flip the door open and go, "oh shit, i've been waiting on that, thanks dog!"

but now?

right now i want to sit that UPS guy down and ask him seriously.... "i know you were fucking off all day, you prick, but why... WHY would you do that to ME?"

but i wouldnt be that ridiculous, its just fun to imagine, because in the end, we all know those ups guy are whackin off in the back of those fucking brown vans. why do you think they wear those gloves?