Anti abandons the internet.

it's finally over, thank fucking god.

Friday, October 29, 2004

 
is someone lying if they say something that IS a lie, even if they believe it to be true.

no. i guess not. at least to them they're spreading the truth as best they know it to be true. even if it isn't.

fact checkery isn't something that comes easy. there's no one single source to verify what the fuck people say. you gotta look around, and get multiple sources at that.

it takes time. time that people (myself included) feel that they dont have.

im a candidate for a decent human being and here's my qualifications. i dont lie or steal and i've cheated but not often and um... ect ect.

i could go on and on about why im a loser though. i know it. it's true. i back you, and yall. im an underachiever, and waht saddens most people (or so ive been told) is that i have "potential" to do great wonderful things, because i have a sharp mind, and im a hardworker.

but the pot smoke has taken over my life, and if i added up all the $ i spent on it
*shudders*
...let's jsut not go there.

but like the typical apathetic amrican "angsty" age group i belong to, i say fuck it, and eat a banana and drink a coffee.

i like to think great things are in my future and i think "holding out hope" is awesome... but i dont, not currently. and i'll tell you why.

the only thing that holds me back, or has EVER held me back is myself. im my biggest hurdle.

i know why im a slob and my room's a mess, and why the fuck i dont take my writing more seriously, and why i dont do this that and the otehr thing.

like the unfinished photoessays i made in hopes of kissing up to tony pierce. or the stand up comedy routine that's not going to happen, because im affraid of failure to boot.

sometimes i tell myself, why the fuck do i wanna see if i suck at my dream, and then i dont even have the DREAM to have.

and other times i dwell on how i could be hit by a mack truck at any second, my life ripped from my body, and what do i have to show for myself?

because if this blog is IT, im in serious trouble my friends.

when i said i dont have hope that i will better my life, and prgress into adulthood (eventually) that was a lie. i DO have hope, but NOT in the sense of "im just sitting here twidlling my thumbs, and holdin my breath"

i know that i have to persevere and want something bad enough to hold out for the delayed gratification.

god i hate when the gratification is delayed man. i hate delays.

but if there's anything i believe in, it's my potential. i know this! i know it.

the ability to kick myself in the ass, and go fetch my dreams? that remains to be seen.






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