Anti abandons the internet.

i get pushed, pulled, tugged at, yelled at, then guilt traps are layed out for me, mixed in with jealousy and passive aggression. sound fun?

i didn't ASK for this life. yah, i have noone to blame except for myself, in a create-your-own-destiney kind of way, but i didn't like PLAN this out this way. this is the result of the good old END-UP.

i'm fucking tired of being the guy manipulated into ending up wherever the fuck he ends up. and welcome to my self-induced-drama of a life... i'm working to change things, o-fucking-k? rome wasn't build inna day.

so here i am. i wake up everyday and i'm not in the house of my dreams, the girl of my dreams isn't lying next to me, the maid i can't afford isn't here and isn't picking up after me, there's not a porche parked in my parking space, shiiiiiiiit even my kitchen sink.... the hardware isn't even made of solid gold.

life. sucks. die.

i used to work for a real estate appraiser named Frank Swatek down in Long Beach... and frank was a wise old coot, and an ex hippie, and smart as fuck, and nice enough to help me out to this day, if i called him and REALLLY needed it. ANYWAYS, frank told me this one time, after my truck was smashed into, and as i was dealing with a lot of my dad's credit tampering bullshit.... frank says, "John, this is life mannn. and guess what, the shit... it never stops until you die."

boy... was frank ever telling the truth, or what?

i like to think that because i've faced so much adversity in my life, it makes me a better person, with more CHARACTER, and able to fend for myself, ready to tackle any road block, and delete lifes problems faster than Macgyver could build a nuclear war head out of a tampon, some surf wax, and a book of matches.

i don't want to fool myself anymore into thinking it's all about the 5 seconds of happiness you have here and there, and the rest of the time is waiting for those bursts of goodness. maybe it's just all about accepting your chosen fate, and turning your brain off, cuz what the fuck do you need that thing for anyways? it's just this big wet THING that makes you remember.

remember who you are, who you aren't... all the little ugly, and rarely pretty, things in between that you WISH you could forget.

i'd like to forget that everytime i wake up, i have to try and figure out how i'm gonna make it allll the way until i'm sleepy again. it seems so long and far away... a whole day, with my brain buzzing and wizzing the whole time, unless i turn it off...