it's like how people always mistake the shy person for being the snobby person, and it's like the cruel twist of why they're hated is so far from the truth.
so my ability to stay calm gets me in trouble. i'm supposed to counter attack, that's what we're trained to do.
but i'm not a sheep herdee fuckhead loser, i think, i think a lot, and i think for myself. and i don't like people controling my emotions.
i'll feel what i choose to feel when i choose to feel it.
like here's something, i'm known amongst my friends as kinda a "funny guy", but i rarely laugh, unless it's some kinda nervous filler laugh. like how george bush says "um."
and when my close friends ask me, "hey fuckwad, why ain'choo ever laughing?" i swear to them that i am laughing on the inside. the inside. somehwere deep downt here, there is a ball of laughter that is in on the joke and totally enjoying itself. i SWEAR
i internalize sometimes.
or at least, all of this defines one of my many many moods... like and old friend of mine once said, "anti, you're a moody sona bitch" and i am. cuz there's the totally rock and roll, keeping it reeeeal, shoot from the hip, suck my dick or piss in your shoes and float home-- version of me too. who is anything but internalizatron. who maybe should shut up more often.
i don't know who or what i am. i try not to pigeon hole myself too much. that will just set me up for failure. perhaps i don't measure up to this false sense of expectation? cuz i won't.and perhaps i won't just to spite what i am sposed to do, cuz i know that's what everyone does. we make our own laws.
i ca wake up in the morning, and alk into the bathroom to take a piss, and i look in the morror, and i like who i see looking back at me. that's not anti, that's me. John. my close friends call me johnny, and know what... maybe i shouldn't. but i think i'm great. self mastabatory? perhaps. vain? definately.
but i don't see that as my problem.
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