Anti abandons the internet.

i don't own shit. my walls and shelves and cupboards are bare. i moved in to this scumfest of an apartment in august... but if you had to guess, you'd prolly think i moved in yesterday.

that picture right there is what things looked like in here for the first two months. a beach chair, a couch, and myself. (that's my long haired friend dave in the shot, as well)

and since that picture??? well... little has changed.

and so the story goes that i was never materialistic. and again... "or so they say..."

cuz like i don't see it that way at all. to me i AM materialistic. i trusted people to move my shit for me, and even payed them to do so, cuz i had to be elsewhere, and when i returned after a few months, i asked them, "where's my stuff, my little trinkets and thingies, my printer and fax machine, my furniture i made in woodshop, my kitchen things (blender, silverware, plates, microwave), and where the fuck is all my artwork and stuff that hangs on the walls???"

imagine everything you own, and payed to have moved and stored, got thrown away. even pictures of like family members and friends from your childhood. everything. wiped out. all gone.

so like maybe now i am less materialistic. fuck ownership. ownership is onwershitty. having belongings is over rated. and even though i don't believe that,
and desperatley wish i had a million things to play with
or look at
or just have belong to me...
if i don't pretend i hate it, i end up dwelling on how angry it makes me.

you people can't understand or relate, so nevermind. it's not your fault you're smarter than me and would never let this happen to yourself. it's my fault.

i'm starving myself trying to climb back up the ladder. and i'm trying and trying, with little to NO help from anyone. how do you know when to give up? i think i'm at that point.

"good things come to those who wait"? like what? a slower more painful death? they need to change that saying so it reads, "waiting sucks, instant gratification is the bomb"

the end

posted by John  # 5:00 PM