its like, i dont think he is a bad person deep down in his core. i think he is a man who is so blinded by his pride, that he cant see passed his own imperfections.
he is human. humans fuck things up. i've done enough fucking myself over to learn to that you can't hate someone for that.
and so i harbor no hate for him. i wish him luck, and hope he finds happiness.
and it's true, i do wish him luck. far far away luck.
it's my solution to not BECOMING him. and by offering up forgivness, i forgive those things within myself that are humanly fucked. by not allowing HIM grace, i dont allow myself grace.
my father has become some what of an extension of myself, and for me to beat up on him is saying that its ok to beat up on myself.
a common phrase repeated to me lately with regards to situations is, "hey man, don't beat yourself up over it." whatever IT may be. because that's become a comfortable place for me to hang out. the self-hate whirlpool of demise.
dont get sucked into that, my friends. self hate projects onto all those around you, and you can't truly love anyone, until you learn to love yourself.
the truth is, im lucky because my self image isn't great, but its not that bad either. i mean, lets face it... i KNOW im smart, and i KNOW that im dead sexy. it's not even up for debate in my opinion, i just know these things to be true.
and as i sit here safely in my apartment, i can feel proud of what a "great guy" i am.
but it all falls away, and disapears when i walk through my front door and am smacked by the reality that, "maybe im not so sure of myself..." as i walk with my head down, hands in pockets, and drag my feet shyly across the pavement.
i dont want to fake it anymore. i dont want to pretend im someone im not. i want to genuinely feel cocky about the things i deserve to feel cocky about. and stop letting my irrational feelings of selfdoubt, and insecurity.
it's like there's an overwhelming part of me that wants to live my life as a loser. it's a way to say fuck you to my powerful dad, and to shun power because i associate it with being evil, and with things that go against my code of ethics.
know what i did when my dad was filing a FAKE BANKRUPTCY to scrwe my mom out of a judgement she was favored to FINALLY win (after 7 years of divorce courts)..... i went though my dad's house and took pictures of the things he failed to mention as assets n his FAKE BANKRUPTCY... such as his slot machine, and multiple jewelry boxes... all the pics also had a picture of a newspaper printed two days after his fake bankruptcy was filed, proving him a liar.
the best picture was of me pretending to read the news paper whilst sitting on his over the top GAWDY designer intalian sofa.
i did right by my mom, because she always did right by me, and i wasnt going to sit back and watch her get raked over the coals.
but i forgive him. i think he just did what any man who doesn't live in reality would do... behave irrationally. i mean, you don't get mad a dog for barking do you?
but if a dog insists on barking loudly, and you prefer not to hear it, you just stay away from the said dog, right? well it works the same way with my dad.
i dont hate him, i love him dearly. and in fact, i dont want him to change, i dont want him to anything. all i want is for him to never have any form of relationship with me... because a relationship with him only result in my detrement.
but i hear he has some new girlfriend lady. do i smell wife #7?! who knows.... if it makes him happy, then i hope she IS wifey #7.
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