i hate cliff
, and i don't understand the purpose of this thing
this is where i used to live.
but most of it looked like this
what if i died? i think about that way too much.
i always feel like it's prolly going to be soon. some car wreck, in the wrong place at the wrong time, whatever. i don't want to kill myself or anything, i've thought about it yes, but not more than the average highschool angst-filled loser. i just have a hard time believing that i'm going to live past 40.
old people scare me too. i see old men hunched over due to the obvious back problems they've given themself. shit... i have major back issues ALREADY! and because i smoke, growing old with damaged lungs, cancer, and heart disease all freak me out. it just seems like a lot of suffering. dieing scares me too. i don't believe in heaven or hell really, but if there is such shit, i'm sure i won't be going to the nice one.
mostly though, i wonder about who will care that i'm dead, who will be sad, who will buy me flowers and shit like that. i wonder if people who read my blog will find out, or if they will just think i got over it. what will it look like? will i be burried? cuz i don't want to be. but then again... having a tombstone is kinda cool. i want mine to say something funny like one of those ones from the haunted house ride at disneyland.
the highschool suicide fantasies where kinda cool. like outta a movie or some shit. i was dressed like some vietnam commando, with an uzi, and it was some math class where i took it over and held everyone hostage. i killed off the shitty people, and after a long stand off with the cops, i went down in a very intense and dramatic blizzard of bullets. now if i picture myself dieing, it's more like some drunk driver plowing into me... and not by my own hands at all.
oh well. i've should have died a million times already.. everything from my robbery, to my near drowning at age three, to the countless car accidents i've already been in, and tons other shit. just my friggin luck... i'm invincible.